She bit a glass in half.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
