I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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