I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
