new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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