Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
