We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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