My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Randomize
