I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize