She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I deserve this hangover.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
