Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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