Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I smell like Dick and happiness
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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