Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
