meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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