I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
