Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
