I smell stomach acid.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
