guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
