It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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