I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
