You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
