My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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