if you like me you must not know who I am
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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