these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
