I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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