I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
