The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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