I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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