Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
