I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
