i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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