Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
