Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize