Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
