I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
