I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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