i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
