is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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