y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
