I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
