"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
