fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
