Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
