Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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