If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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