Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
