i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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