It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
They are going to name an STD after you.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
