That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
