she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
