I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
