he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
