i need an iv and a liver transplant
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
