all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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