He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
