I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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