Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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