bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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