All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
