dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
