i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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