Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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